okay i'm going to come right out with it and tell u .. i didn't make it to the 2yr mark of sitting meditation every morning .. the mark was may 8th and shortly before then was when it stopped

altho the moving meditation has continued regularly as always

maybe the holosync sample received in the mail yet unopened will help revive the morning sitting

it is sooo much more easier and natural for me to meditate when the body is flowing

altho it's great fun to sit in silent awareness on the bus but that's because there are endless stimulations of sight sound and smell

so i've been doing that instead of reading on the bus .. does that count ?

reading the varieties .. and man ! what ken has started is a dream come true for william james:

" whether the various spheres or systems are ever to fuse integrally into one absolute conception, as most philosophers assume that they must, and how if so, that conception may best be reached are questions only the future can answer "

falling .. falling .. into a deep dark chasm of despair .. oh god i'm disagreeing with the great mystic scholar philosopher

where did this come from ? why is this happening ?

i totally and utterly GET structures of development .. jean gebsers and carol gilligan's and don beck's etc etc etc

and that we interpret our world at whatever structure we are at .. BUT ..

no longer resonate with interpretting STATES at whatever structure we are at

i want to agree with my teacher i love him so .. i used to agree with it .. and that has changed .. and that is why am being tortured .. that is why i don't want to speak

listened to the current feature (part one with mokshananda) and ALMOST got it when ken said that at nondual .. the world u are "one with" is the one at which structure u are at

but then ...

well .. anytime i have been in nondual .. i wasn't in a world of strutures at all .. when u are the trembling sizzling leaves of trees .. where are structures and worldviews ?

is it possible to be in nondual and even have a conversation with another person .. nevermind identification with your tribe ?

we don't interpret our state at our structure .. there is no interpretation going on at nondual .. one is simply being without any separate self little me

it is the separate self little me that develops thru the structures

and deep sleep is deep sleep whether u are pluralistic or integral

oh help

perhaps what led me to this is the recognition that a child's spontaneous ability to feel into the wetness of water

is not interpreted at a lower level than a zen master who meditated to get there

wet is

and doing big hip circles the grid morphs into a graph

with vertical bars of lines of development

and it isn't even a graph that

i haven't already seen

archaic magic mythic rational pluralistic integral

and higher as the markers along the side

and in addition to cognitive .. moral

.. kinesthetic .. etc ...

is subtle

processing existence and expression

of the subtle realm is a line

and inside a painful ripping of extreme guilt at no longer agreeing with the wcl 

it was a stepping stone as was stacking the states atop the structures

but where do u place music in relation to botany ?

i weep and fear an old woman has gone mad

the clock radio wakes her up this morning .. fergie is singing big girls don't cry don't cry don't cry

and she gets ready to leave for the office .. so aware of the miracle of being alive .. of having this little life

pretty summer flowers in your fancy party dresses .. how u giggle as i delight in u

and it tickles

sitting at starbucks in portage place mall downtown .. looking out the huge floor-to-ceiling windows at rush hour in the rain as the excitement of the long weekend begins

with pen and notebook .. sipping this delicious frothy latte .. i am free

watching vehicles bicycles pedestrians umbrellas passing by .. everyone moving moving thru falling water and growing puddles which reflect mysterious shadows of the passers by

in the concrete city .. the scattered wet trees sing glorious bright green with utter glee .. such peace and serenity beneath the busy scene .. headlights glowing like sacred candles .. and high above the buildings the sky in myriads of whipped and folded silver white ..

oh mister hurrying by .. your beautiful suit is getting wet but you seem to not care as your mind is far away

pair of downtownbiz patrols .. u walk briskly in step as tho u were one four-legged being

group of three kids each with an umbrella .. how u delight in the adventure

two ladies sharing one big bright orange umbrella with your many shopping bags .. you’re pleased with your purchases, aren’t u ?

guy standing at the lights waiting for them to change .. how u multitask .. one hand holding a cigarette to your lips and the other holding your phone to your ear .. the whole operation scrunched neath the baseball cap on your head

and inside .. man at the table next to me wearing brown suede cowboy hat .. courting your lovely companion .. i hope u both get lucky

group of charming students chattering gaily in cantonese at the table behind me .. your energy is invigorating

and i read my book with pink hilighter .. gradually .. rush hour has passed .. the rain has let up and the sky has lit up .. and a melancholy loniless has come over the streets

elderly gentleman strolling with your hands behind your back .. u look like a sunny afternoon

integrating buddha and freud .. integrating science and spirit .. integrating psychology .. philosophy.. mysticism .. medicine .. business .. art .. sports .. recognizing that humans grow thru structures of inner development .. practicing mind body spirit shadow in self culture nature .. i we it .. the outside and the inside .. states of being .. .. nothing excluded .. everything integrated .. emerging as an evolving universe .. spirit in action thru human consciousness and form

sometimes u just get the answers u are looking for

in wondering whether meditating open-eyed on the bus to work in the mornings .. taking in the sights smells sounds .. would be considered serious meditation practice

today i hear patrick say that leaving our sense perceptions open (during meditation) is symbolic of our confidence that there’s no fundamental problem with us as human beings .. we don’t have to retreat into some inner citadel .. that our mind and our experience of reality just as it is fine .. is without blemish .. without stain ..

it feels sooo nice to hear that  .. like a looong sweeet sigh . . .