couldn't go to bed before expressing my regrets, so sent off this one liner with subject line so sorry:

dear -- please accept my deepest deepest apologies for my unruly behavior

what soft freeing ahhhhhhhhhh .. going to isc and listening to swami sally

being home

since i sent the "so sorry" apology for my unruly behavior, have received two emails from her .. which i haven't opened

just because u receive emails, doesn't mean u have to read them, does it ? just because the phone rings, doesn't mean u have to answer it, does it ?

we can choose what we respond to, can't we ?

last nite one of the ultimate parts of any ilp: dinner with my best friend

how the heart permeates with the joy of resonance and laughter and shared wisdom

savouring delicious food, in awe of existence

opened the two emails from ms blue

the second one has an attachment my browser can't open .. looks like a christmas card with sound

the first one says only:

WOW!!   I forgive you and love you deeply.

have not replied, but giggle because the jesus she says i don't believe in, has inspired me to apologize .. as well as to dismiss that there is no return apology from her

just won difficult level spider solitaire listening to stu with peter mayer .. then peter singing everything is holy now

interesting how most times when i win, it's when i'm listening to something especially beautiful

u are arising in my awareness and i love u

bus driver wearing that red santa hat: u are arising in my awareness and i love u .. fellow riders wearing your various facial expressions and body postures: u are arising in my awareness and i love u

security guard at the marble reception desk in the vast lobby: u are arising in my awareness and i love u .. loud proud DING announcing the arrival of the elevator: u are arising in my awareness and i love u

people oh beautiful people of my workfamily: laughing playing u call this work? u are rising in my awareness and i love u

integral naked: u are arising in my awareness and i love u

at the "integral light" party last tues nite, i asked scholar marty: is there some kind of hypnosis in the bible where people who read it too much can't discuss spirit without direct quotes and verse numbers?

and he leaned in and began to say, well no, the bible is a sacred text like ..

then eeeeeee stood there like the christmas star herself, ringing her bell saying before we eat,let's all say our names and what is juicy for us right now

and today (after the last communique with ms blue being my apology and her gracious acceptance) i received a christmas card

the picture on the front so beautiful with the moonlight reflecting on an icy pond and blankets of snow in front of a gorgeous cozy home all lit up by the hearth and by life

and the evergreens sing like they always do

with it she had sent a bookmark with the "ask and it shall be given unto u" quote including the verse number

inside the card,taped the quote with "whosoever believeth on me" including verse number

and she wrote a beautiful heartful message: may your christmas be full of love & joy .. health & happiness for the new year and always .. hope our friendship can continue to grow

and she drew a flower on stem with two leaves by her name

and i sent off an email: so sorry

when i was younger, i would get jealous about god loving others as much as me .. i fantasized that i was god's favorite .. that god loved me MORE

and now it's so funny because it's actually TRUE .. i AM god's favorite because u are me too

well well guess what i just went and did ? sent ms blue another email: so sorry

man i think this reconnection with u is going to be a real growing experience for me

after i had sent off my email thanking u for the card, i admired the bookmark u had sent and then re-read my email to u, thinking, man i'm nasty !

here u send me this beautiful gift and i make some fancy assed remark about petitionary prayer

again i need to ask u to forgive me .. my problem in this case is that god has always been a presence in my life .. u don't have to knock when u are already in the house with god .. as well, there's that old adage that seeking implies it is lost .. yet god has been here all along .. u don't need to seek for that which was never lost

so i jump right there forgetting that jesus said those words to those very many who needed the sacredness and necessity of seeking .. and i DO appreciate the asking and it being given .. it truly is a beautiful verse and i love what jesus said about just like when your son asks for a peice of bread, u don't give him a stone

falling to the ground in gratefulness god that u are always right here

merry christmas i-i staff & members x x x o o o