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I was about 19, I smoked a bit of weed, and I experienced what I think was a causal state. It was like this. I was thinking about something and somehow this lead to a a realization, like a flash, where I dissolved into the nothingness that is the same as me. Something like that. This happened a lot, and when it did, it was too much for me, like I was dying into nothing. It was kind of bliss-full and liberating, but was really terrifying, and I was unable to go with it. The opening kept happening for hours, till the weed wore off I guess. It was the worst time ever.

Somewhere along the line, I developed pretty intense social anxiety. I think also I seem to be mildly borderline, like just not that far down the scale.

I've been doing Zen and some therapy for a while now.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, I got the idea that I needed to do some sort of psychedelic and have an enlightenment experience. Like this is the most important thing and that it just needs to be done. I don't feel up to it though, and I also feel like I something inside me that needs to be healed first or aswell. I told my Zen teacher and she said that it sounds like I think I'm going to get something. Maybe I want to be special, I seem to care a lot what other people think of me, and maybe this would make me a cool guy or something, I don’t know I'm just putting words together.

So anyway, now I have a really good job offered to me, I feel like I'm getting somewhere in life, I'm sitting regularly, and therapy's pretty good. I want to contribute, but this thing about needing to have an enlightenment experience straight away, which I don’t want to do, seems to always be there. Is it just my ego that's saying no, and my higher self that wants to do it, so I should listen to my higher self. The only thing is, I couldn't face dying then and I can't now, but should I give the LSD and "The psychedelic experience" idea any consideration.

I've had this problem for about 5 years now. It sucks.

Hi Mathew,

Two main points: In one sense all are always ready for enlightenment; but apparently spontaneous  moments of this sort of awakening are rare. This suggests that an oblique or roundabout approach may be in order, such as the time tested methods which employ a deep and sincere inquiry; Zen koans being a case in point, and Genpo Roshi's Big Mind also employs inquiry. One might say that asking (especially if sincere) is a form of openness; which in turn tends to undermine whatever interior -and often hidden- resistance to the sort of ultimate change involved. So rather than seek enlightenment my counsel is to inquire.

Second: LSD is a dangerous substance, and one that is difficult to recommend. But in those rare circumstances where it may lead to not just a state change but actually initiate a stage change, some prerequisites seem wise. Drug quality is not to be overlooked, so being sure of the source is vital. Of equal importance from my view is what might be called the ceremonial use of this substance; its best done when surrounded by those who have experience in such things AND whose hearts are without question loving, i.e. they have your long term best interests at heart.

Furthermore there is no guarantee that a given LSD session will produce enlightenment. In any case it's wise to be prepared (as much as is possible) to have one's world turned upside down. Perhaps you have heard of the mediaeval alchemists search for a universal solvent; a search that was often abandoned in the face of the paradox contained in the question, "But what container could hold such a substance?" The LSD experience is pertinent to resolving this question.

Warmly,

Charles

41N58'02" 88W18'28"

 

 

Short answer to your question mathew , NO.

My sense is your a young man seeking some atonomy, and wanting to experience yourself being a force , having some power in your life.  The statements you made of wanting to be special, and you seem to care what other people think of you are normal, in fact they are fertile ground to begin creating yourself as special, and relate to each other as special human beings. Most people are in their own little world worried about what you think of them.

Plus your zen teacher being female doesnt have the testosterone flowing through her body . Wilbers work talks about the effect of testosterone on a mans life.  My coaching would be more of a physical path,  where you can channel this need, this aggressiveness that pushes and pulls especially a young man.. Take up weight training, or explore the skills of boxing , and mixed martial arts. Something about getting knocked down and getting back up and going at it again does a brother good. I would rather you bloody your nose , than play the dicey game of drugs. Myself being a product of the 60s and 70s have seen many friends never make it back, both physically as well as mentally.

Be strong and know you are the trip you seek . Trip out on being Mathew, and when you dont just have some compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others and get back up and start the trip again.

---

Bill Kilburg,

To Charles:

Thanks mate. That universal solvent thing is so cool. I tried the big mind thing, bought the dvd and all, sat through the whole thing twice, not a lot of go enlightenment wise lol, however it did change me in a big way by somehow showing me the non-seeking mind or something. I don't have the same intense and try hard way of doing everything anymore. Less unnecessary trying or something.

To Bill, your words are really meaningful to me.

For being wise and down to earth, and giving me the time of day. Thanks heaps.

It's funny, I was planning doing some boxing with my bro, then starting MMA and weights training. WTF?

At the least, I think you have pointed out my balls to me.

Something else I was thinking about. So lets say I am prepared to take a disciplined physical path. Whenever I think of this I am stuck with the idea of falling off the path. What do you do when you stray from the path as a matter of habit? I should be disciplined with what I put into my body, but then against all efforts I go on a whatever binge for days. In these cases, the internal conflict leaves me unable to just jump back on the bike. Maybe I don't let myself off the hook or something. Like I should be punished or I wont learn. Sounds dumb hey?

Hi Mathew,

 

>>>What do you do when you stray from the path as a matter of habit?<<<

 

Happily Integral Theory and Practice has answers to this question.

Please be reminded that everyone strays; but in integral mode even our faults have utility. The wise both cherish and use them as they often turn out to be our best teachers, albeit  in disguise. But when straying  becomes a matter of less-than-conscious habit then its likely that shadow  issues are holding sway. The basic strategy in dealing with shadow  involves bringing light to that which is hidden, robbing it of its power. In darkness a coil of rope may appear to be a snake poised to attack. Strategy is mostly about taking aim, tactics call for techniques; Big Mind can be employed to give voice to the Strayer from the Way; and the 3-2-1 process artfully uses  the searchlight of perspective.

 

My friend Jack Stubbs is Canadian and when i returned from a visit to native Ontario i told him of discovering a sign directing folks to visit a watercourse point of interest called Stubbs Falls. His response was both immediate and memorable, "Yes, but he gets up again!"

 

Warmly,

 

Charles

41N58'02" 88W18'28"