wow it's so windy outside we're being blown to oz !!

in our study of the dying we find there can be much emotional and spiritual pain fear anxiety ... and am thinking big mind process might provide much freedom

a friend talked about a big uproar from women that recently occured in a group when god was referred to as "he"

yet most likely no "man" was assumed by the one who spoke the word ... interesting the offense that can be caused by terminology

yet "he" just like "god" or "spirit" or "all" or everything or anything else ... always takes away anyways ... either way ...

because every time any word is used, it takes away from that which is beyond words

standing in the skywalk across the street from the two magnificant cranes shining yellow against the shimmering blue skies ... the two cranes which are being used to build our new office tower ... which the designers are calling the most energy efficient large office building in the world

my breath taken away from the majesty and miracle of how human beings can conceive of and build such structures

be still my heart

and standing there across from the steel and concrete erection-in-progress, she had another god orgasm ... and then again today when she saw the brilliant green grass sprinkled with snowflake diamonds ... and yet again while reading megory anderson's sacred dying ... resonating this is her own path too for the world

and she may borrow st teresa's phrase delicious death

laughing recalling saying to her sister i know what i am ... i am a nun ... yes that's exactly what u are her sister had agreed

just another dance to the music of manifestation

in the morning sitting the BIG DARK TIDAL WAVE sneaks up from behind gushing into her being ... while instantly something in her leaps up and out just in time flying straight as an arrow into the sunlight

but as she looks down upon the small self drowning in the darkness ... affection for this little one overwhelms her and she re-enters absorbing the darkness ... taking it .. claiming it as its own

and the beauty of the dark truths like black velvet shine in it's all okayness

our session at the hospital tonite was on spiritual care of the dying and i am so pleased at how integral the chaplan, rev glen is ... he stressed how important it is to tune into what the person's own beliefs are and to honor them (rather than trying to impose one's own beliefs)

he said that one survey asking the meaning of the word spiritual came up with nearly one hundred definitions 

stressful day ... sitting on the bus home ... letting go ... letting go ... eyelids close ... darkness ... the vrooom of the bus ... the murmur of various quiet conversations ...

a little boy begins to sing (to the tune of london bridge is falling down) ... autumn leaves are falling down ... falling down ... falling down ... autumn leaves are falling down ...

and he sounds like an angel ... heaven on earth . . .

been debating whether to tell u or not .. and well here goes .. the reason yesterday was so stressful is because i was told basically out of the blue (says the girl in denial)

that my left retina is detached and has to be operated on immediately .. i have to be awake while for an hour and a half, the surgeon sews a silicone band around the eyeball holding the retina in place .. scleral buckle

and everything turned upside down .. the thought of the surgical invasion .. while awake!

the sudden fear so deep and dark and terrifying .. out of the blue .. out of the blue

charmaine and i walk from 4 to 20 two-by-two twice in a row now .. and the beloved moving meditation .. and the yoga ... and on and on ..

it seizes u from behind .. WHAT ME ??!!??? as u try to carry on your life like it ain't real

and then in the morning sitting thinking i am detached from my dear sweet god .. as detached as my retina is from my eye

may i speak with big mind big heart ? . . .

reaching for stephen levine .. he helps with fear .. can u keep your heart open in hell ?. when we are frightened, can we still have some space within to allow the fright to be ?

and the GUILT ... there is so much more suffering in the world than someone's eyeball . . .

she awakens in the middle of the nite with terrors .. whole body shaking with the fear of the upcoming invasion to the eye

calling out to god .. not feeling god

then suddenly the light of thank u begins to pour into the being .. thank u surgeon for fixing my eye .. thank u health system for covering the cost .. thank u god that it is not life threatening ..

thank u for thank u

just before she left for the hospital on tues, she watched the vid of ken at the aug 2005 ilp (well, not watched really, but listened, while playing and winning difficult level spider solitaire), answer the question about ayahuasca

how his teacher would ask: did it have a beginning and an end?

and if the answer would be yes, the teacher would say: then that's not "it"

.. and so .. this pain right now .. it had a beginning and surely it will end .. so this pain ..

it's not "it"

lying in the hospital bed prior to being wheeled into surgery trembling vibrating from FEAR which tries to swallow u whole

u can ask to speak with big mind big heart but actually it doesn't speak ... rather it shimmers like the sunlight on the lake in breathless beauty and sparkling stillness

gently calming u and then the nurse gives u a pill to calm u and the happy guy in his green hospital uniform like a leprachan says hey hop onto here and i climb off my bed and onto the one he stands by

and he wheels me chattering away .. into the elevator .. up a floor .. out the elevator

and then ... is it because earlier the girl told me she will be little red riding hood for halloween .. the anesthesiologist comes to me as i lay in the hallway and takes my hand, looking like the woodsman ... big burly guy .. was he really dressed like a woodsman ?

and i ask will u load me up ?. and he says u won't be anesthetized but u will be sedated .. u may hear what's going on but u won't care ... and i said i love u ...

and when doctor lecht came into the room i whispered thank u for doing this ...

kosmic joke here i am lying in a surgical room getting my halloween mask